Letters Never Sent

So about a year after glen died, I started writing him letters. I know, I know, crazy town. But I felt there were so many things left unsaid between us. I rationalized my crazy letters with some lame excuse of my process in grieving.

So I was cleaning out my email account today and came across the following little gem in my "drafts". Crazy as my grieving process has been, it's maybe working. Or maybe time really does heal. But this letter made me laugh.. again. I thought I would post the letter on the blog.

The Second Letter

Dear G,
Well, if I may flatter myself here for a moment....you have been dead for a year today and I am still living. It's been touch and go as you know. I thought my heart may just quit beating or that I would somehow be unable to breathe, but no. I am still here G! Go me, right?!?!

So I went to a card shop yesterday (Cahoots, on 9th and 9th, remember that place?) and  I was browsing the coffee table books and the "Fuck The World" book caught my eye; cause how could it not? So I picked it up. It turns out some dude went all over the world with a "fuck" sign and put it in front of street signs wherever he thought appropriate.  He took a picture of street signs with his "fuck" addition and then published it all into a book. So the first page I opened to was a picture of a car exiting one of those parking lots where they have the retractable grate in the pavement. So if a car trys to enter the exit way, it's tires will be punctured. You know what I am talking about? I have long been terrified of those kinds of parking lots. So the original street sign said, "DO NOT BACK UP, severe tire damage can occur". And the guy made it say, "DO NOT FUCK UP". I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. I was the only person in the card shop except for the cashier and I think the cashier thought I was crazy. I could not pull myself together. It felt so good to laugh. No, like really really good! Better than sex good. I hadn't laughed in so long G! When I left the store, I was still laughing and doing my best to hold it in, so as to not look stupid. I thought about what might be wrong with me. Was I having a nervous breakdown, cause crazy has never been so fun!!! I had no idea! But then I stopped myself and thought, I am not crazy. I just lost myself a little when you died, and little by little, I am getting "me" back.

You always accused me of being the last one laughing in a group. And when I was on some laughing jag, uncontrollably shaking and gasping for air, you would mock me and say things like "don't you feel stupid when you are the last one laughing" or "it's not even funny anymore Tueller and you're still laughing" which of coarse only took my laughing to the next level. I loved laughing with you Glen! And although you couldn't always make me laugh, once I started you made sure I couldn't stop.

Someone asked me why we were so close the other day. I think what they meant to say is that you and I were complete opposites,  how in the world could we be friends? And in the end, I think we really had laughing in common and that was more then enough.

 My friend got me to thinking how little we did have in common. You were a bad ass Navy SEAL turned CIA guy, single, living the So Cal lifestyle, fit as a fiddle, Irish Catholic from the East Coast. I am a volvo driving, stay at home mom, only runs when chased, jack mormon from bumble fuck Utah. So I thought rather then focus on our differences,  I would write a list of how we were the same. It poured down rain last night and the smell was intoxicating. so I figured I would start my list there.  

We loved the smell of rain in the desert.
We played guitar
We have rivers... many rivers run together
We have mountains and canyons in common; especially Dark Canyon. It spoke to you and me too.
We have Moab in Common. A dumb backward town that you totally got. No explanation necessary.
Thunderstorms, I never met someone who loved them as much as I do, until I met you.
Snow
The cleanest laundry ever, I am the laundry queen, second only to you. (and yes, I did just call you a queen).
World Wide River Expeditions
The Bug Hut- you painted it. I grew flowers on the porch
Cheap Champaign,  I always got drunk and you never did!
Books
We both could fix shit.
Baja- a million trips there with you.
Knives, I take terrible care of my kitchen knives, I never had to care for my knives cause you always did that for me.
Laughing.

This may be the best list I have ever composed. And I am compulsive with my list writing as you know. Thank you G. Thank you for giving me the content you have. I will never quit with my crazy writing to you, and I will never quit with my love.

to the moon g money.
atp